Embrace Life

My Uncle Mike passed away on the 24th of December. At 92-years, he lived a long life and was married to my Aunt Dora for 69-years. To the end, they remained faithful and dedicated to one another.

As we drove to the funeral, my Aunt Sally was bemoaning the fact that she was getting dangerously close to 80-years and not liking the surprise she felt every time she looked in the mirror. While I can empathize, I used my One Word on her and suggested that she embrace life, embrace 80-years.

Later at the funeral service, my cousin read a note that was found in her dad's office. In it, he wrote how blessed he was to be alive, to live his life, and in it, you could feel him embrace all the gifts he had been given. He was 85-years old at the time he wrote the note.

The note was so inspiring. How often do we complain, wasting time and energy when we can embrace the positives? At 85-years, my uncle was still living life, not worried about how he looked or if he was still relevant. He was relevant because he had a family that he loved, he was relevant because he chose to continue to go out and do things, he was relevant because he was giving. Those attributes were apparent from all that was shared by his daughters and grandchildren.

He will be missed.

And So It Begins Again

My first day back in the infusion center for a new round of chemo. What I remember about the first time...

1. Being so frightening and hating every moment of the whole experience
2. Feeling like I had to be strong so mom would know that I was okay
3. Realizing that it's the nurses who really know the score and it helps to have them as a friend (after all they're the ones with the needles)
4. Fearing the uncertainty, would I get sick, when would I lose my hair, was this going to be worth it

I went home and cried, feeling depressed for the whole week. I did not want to go back and it wasn't until I realized that I didn't have to go back if I really didn't want, that I began to feel better. I was in more control than I thought I was. I came to realize that it's one of the things I hate the most about the whole ordeal, feeling the loss of control.

This time around, I didn't have that deer in the headlights look. Even though I didn't know if I was going to have an adverse reaction, the fear was gone. Yes, I may feel fatigue, but if I'm lucky I'll be able to embrace the life I have and live it with hope, love and joy. That's what I plan to do. 

The chemo had a strange sensation as it flowed into my veins. The nurse had warned me that Gemzar could burn and that we may need to slow the drip down and pump more saline into me at the same time. At first everything was okay, but after about 10 minutes, I ended up asking her to slow the drip down. While it was never painful, it was just an unpleasant feeling. 

I'm so thankful that I had the presence of mind to ask my doctor about getting a port. It's getting harder and harder for the nurses to find a good vein and with chemo it's imperative that there is a good stick so the chemical doesn't leak out. 

I find it interesting to watch other patients at the infusion center. Some come alone like me, some have a relative or friend at their side, some are obviously tired and weak, some seem to have more energy, some have that deer in the headlight look (newbies), some obviously know the drill. Most are positive, most have hope and I see a lot of beauty in them. I often silently pray for the ones in my proximity as I know that prayer helps so much. I wish I could take more pictures there, but I don't want to intrude or make others feel uncomfortable.

Afterwards, Brie and I went to Starbucks and came home to start putting Christmas away. There is a part of me sad to see it go and another part happy to leave the clutter. 

Wind in my Sail

For the second day in a row, I felt energetic enough to go out with my camera in hand and enjoy the fresh air. With my camera, I am excited again.

I forgot how inspired I feel as I look for the things that are both obvious and that others miss.

I felt bold as I took pictures of the outside looking in, not worried what the ones sitting at the tables might think.

I welcomed the sun as my partner in crime. It did not disappoint.

I watched people enjoying life as I enjoyed it too.

And I found that I didn't even have to stray that far from home to experience beauty in unexpected places.

Tomorrow I begin chemo again, but that didn't stop me from enjoying today.

What Will Be

Almost four years ago, a new journey began for me. Sufficed to say, it's not a trip I would have chosen to take. But like everything in life, good comes with the bad and, thankfully, there have been a lot of blessings.

After over 6-months of chemo, I was given a reprieve in December 2009 and was told that it was likely that I would be able to be off the poison for up to a year. It's been three years and this Thursday, I begin a new regiment of chemo. This time around, I asked for a port so I won't need to be stuck with a needle 6 times a month.

To say that it's not the way I wanted to start the year is an understatement. I've not really been looking forward to 2013 as I have no idea what it may bring. Truth is, I really don't want to think ahead. Still, it helps to make plans for the future.

Things I want to do:
1. Select my one word that will be my word for the year. It was a difficult selection. Joy, love, hope, faith, journey, persevere, fight, act, serve and believe were in the running, but none of these truly struck a chord in me. As I was driving to Greg's today, embrace seemed to embody all that I want 2013 to be.
2. Participate in 365 where I purposefully take at lease one photo a day representing something special in the day.
3. Participate in 52 weeks of me in which I take a self-portrait.
4. Buy a polaroid. Learn to use it
5. Buy 620 film and shoot with my dad's old Argus 75.
6. Write, every day. Write with purpose and meaning. Write a book.
7. Travel. Drive up North for a week and if possible, across the country.

Those are just a few of the things I want to do this year. The good news is that I'm back to feeling like making plans, like doing things which is part of the reason I selected embrace as my word for the year. I want to embrace my loved ones, embrace life, embrace the things that I feel passionate about, embrace things that come my way, even if they are unexpected, embrace the purpose that God has determined my life to be.

It was easy to do today, surrounded by family and friends, armed with my camera, filled with the Spirit of the Lord. It was a good day, a start of a good year. Unexpected, but good. I am so blessed, so very blessed. I pray that this will be a good year from start to finish. I pray that I get to finish it and celebrate another Christmas and another New Year.

What Happened to Christmas

I started the month planning to blog every day. Instead, I worked like Santa's elf, trying desperately to finish Aurora's stocking by Christmas Eve.

Somehow I managed to finish both my Christmas shopping and Aurora's stocking just in the nick of time.

It did mean giving up certain things that were on my list of to-dos this season, such as taking pictures of a Christmas Tree Farm, driving around looking at lights, heading out one more time to the Grove for some Christmas ambience. I'll survive. And there is always the possibility of doing a few of those things this week.

On the last week before Christmas I realized I had hadn't crossed off as many loved ones from my "nice" list as I thought. Knowing my limitations, I decided to hit the stores each night and get one person taken care of at a time. On the plus side, I got to enjoy some of the Christmas lights that I might have otherwise missed.

We did manage to make it to my brother's annual Christmas party. And to Old Orange on the Sunday before Christmas.

It wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas Eve Service where candles are lit and Silent Night is sung right before midnight.

And as we walk outside to greet Christmas morning, "snow" falls in Southern California.

It is always my most favorite part of Christmas.

After a short winter's nap, the morning begins with another favorite part of Christmas...digging into our stockings.

Then into the living room to open presents.

It's enough to make anyone feel like a child.

If that doesn't do it, playing a game of Hungry Hippos will do the trick.

The only thing that would have made the day better would have been having Matthew, Ashley, Maximus and Aurora there to share the memories.

The Tenth

December 10 marks for me that point in the month where I desperately want things to slow down. There are only 15 more days of celebration, of Christmas music, of tidings of joy, of red and green trim in the stores.

Today was no different. As the day wound down, I felt that I should go somewhere, do something in celebration. But there is a house to straighten up and a stocking to be finished. I told myself that tomorrow I'll do something. Maybe I'll stop to see some lights, have a cup of Starbucks as Christmas music fills the coffee shop, maybe I'll make some Christmas cookies, maybe I'll head to the North Pole.

Maybe I'll head to someplace Christmasy, like the Grove and wander around, breathing in the cool air, taking pictures of the light.

The Stockings Were Hung

One of my favorite memories of Christmas as a child was waking up on Christmas morning and seeing our stockings filled with goodies. Coloring books, crayons and Christmas candy was enough to make a little girl's heart jump for joy.

After we moved to Puerto Rico, the tradition of stockings ended for our family. I was never sure why. Probably that first year was too overwhelming for my mom and dad and there were no chimney's to be had in Puerto Rico so there was no place to hang stockings.

Still my heart longed for the magic. One reason why the stockings were so special to me was that our presents from Santa always arrived early. Several times we would ask why our gifts didn't come on Christmas Eve and we were told that Santa had too many presents to deliver all in one night.

On one hand, it was fun to see the gifts suddenly appear and to have days dreaming and wondering about what was inside, but on the other hand unless there was a big special gift, such as a bike, there was a little bit of magic missing. The filled stockings made it apparent that Santa came to our house on Christmas Eve, just like all the others.

When Matthew was born, I was determined that he would experience that magic so I made him a stock, cross-stitching it carefully. I did the same for Brie after she was born too. They seemed to love the filled stockings just as much as I did. They still do.

The number of stockings by our fireplace grew after Vic came home one Christmas and put a ratty sock of his up after we got back from Christmas Eve service. The next year, mom bought him a real stocking of his own. Not to be outdone, the following year, I got mom a stocking, putting it out on Christmas Eve filled with little items such as post-it notes, pens and DVDs. She excitedly exclaimed that it was the first stocking she ever had. The next year, there was a stocking for me. When Ashley joined our family, we added another one for her.

Much to my delight, after Maximus was born, I mentioned something about making him a stocking and Matthew happily said that he was wondering if I was going to make him one. I must confess, I forgot how much work they were and didn't finish Max's until two days AFTER Christmas. With Aurora's arrival, I've been busy working on hers. The kids keep asking me if I'm going to be finished in time. Oh, yes, I will.

It looks like we're going to need a bigger mantle...or smaller stockings.