It Took the Cake!

Yesterday I spent the day in as close to a catatonic day that I ever want to experience. I would much rather never ever experience it again. From the time I awoke to the time I closed my eyes for the last time, I was in tears. Not the running down your face tears, but the sobbing so loudly at times that someone would come to see how I was doing.

I didn't want to admit it at first, but one of the reasons for the breakdown was likely due to the change of medication. On Thursday, my doctor and I agreed that I would cut down on not only the steroid (one pill in total to 1/2 pill) but the morphine, too (2 pills in total to 1 pill in total). After some discussion with my mom and dad, we agreed it was probably too much for me and I likely was going thru some sort of withdrawal.

Mom is also not convinced that I took the correct dosages in the morning. That could well be. Regardless, I was a gigantic mess for most of the day. Crying because I was an emotional mess, crying because my neck and leg hurt, crying because I couldn't get comfortable, crying because everyone was worried about me, crying, crying, crying.

We decided to go back to the dosage of medication that I was on and see what happens. So far so good. I'm still feeling a little odd, but the pain is gone (hip hip!) and I haven't dropped a single tear today. On the plus side, around 9pm, Brie came to my room which was at first strange since I thought she left several hours before then for a party at Janae's.

Turned out Patrick had to work overtime and she had been waiting all this time in the car for him. I felt so badly for her...and him. He must be so tired. At any rate, I was still have trouble processing everything in my brain, but I was able to fake my way through it all. I suggested that we do something to pass the time and help her relax. She surprisingly agreed so she helped straighten my room and put together a shopping list for Target.

In what could be called divine intervention, he texted her, just as we were finishing up the shopping list. By this time, it was almost 10pm. I was pretty tired, but happy that she was happier than she was when she first walked in. As a reward, she brought me in a little late night snack...a yummy yummy cupcake from Max's birthday party!

I must say, it took the cake!!

These Two...

These two, as my grandmother used to say, "are full of the dickens." My, oh, my, today they took the cake and were on a sugar high almost the whole day long. It was hard not to laugh at their antics as they kept their daddy on his toes for most of the day.

That's the way it goes sometimes. It did make me laugh when we got back from the doctors and the two of them were squished together on the couch, covered with blankets, surrounded by a boatload of toys, happy grins on their faces as they announced that they in a fort that made them intervisible (no typo here).

Oh, how I love these two. Intervisible or not!

Life is But a Dream

Been living in dreamland for the last few days. My brain doesnt seem to be in sync with my vision making everything I see and feel like a question.

Am I really here?

Is this a real conversation?

Is this person sitting here in front of me?

Am I still alive or is this heaven? (It better not be heaven because I'm hoping for soemthing better!)

One thing that keeps me going are the grandbabies who keep me laughing and smiling...

My Little Interruption

These little hands are part of the reason my little shop will be opening about a week late. How can I help myself when it brightens my day just to hear his sweet little voice say, "Hey, hey, grandma, grandma!"

At this point, I'll take all the interruptions I can get :)

September 01, 2014

The truth is, I gave up on myself and as much as I hate to admit it, if I gave up on myself, that means I gave up on God. If He is able to do all immeasurable things then why did I cave like a blob of ice cream that landed on the sidewalk on a hot summer's day?

If it wasn't that August was a long month, I would have missed it all. As it was, I slept through most of it, unwilling to raise myself from the self-induced coma which put me in a vegetative state for more than 80% of the day for most of the month.

There are days and conversations that I flat out don't remember. This I do...

1. I begged to be taken to respite care
2. I considered and actually asked to have a catheter put on me so I wouldn't have to get up
3. Thousands of prayers being said in my name and even in my pity-party state, feeling them circle around me, protecting me from my doubts and fears
4. The gradual awakening of my soul until I could begin to visualize myself walking out of this room
5. Friends and family who continued to visit even though I would fall asleep throughout their visit
6. The kind and thoughtful stream of visitors who brought food, ice cream, pie and other treats that provided add incentive to pull my bottom out from this bed its been glued to for too many days on end
7. My mom and dad, while lovingly supportive, who also knew when to push me to push myself
8. Care team members who took time out of their day to pray and encourage me. There were times, I wanted to tell mom I wasn't up for company, but I needed each and every groan uttered in my name

August has ended and a new month has begun. I plan to take it not only one day at a time, but more like, one hour at a time. I won't pretend to know how the start compares to the end, but this I know, 

God has not, will not forsake me. He is where He has always and will always be...right beside and right behind me. He will give me strength when I am weak, I need not be afraid. No matter what, these are the truths that I carry with me. He loves me that much. He loves YOU that much. No matter our trials, they are of equal sorrow, equal need, equal importance. 

He may not answer our requests as we want him to, but when he does (and HE always answers) we will find his response(s) even more powerful, magnificent, fulfilling than we thought possible. Knowing God and reading His word, why was there any doubt at all? 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭10‬ NLT)

These Four Walls

It's been a long time coming...so long in fact, I had begun to give up. Not to sound melodramatic, but that was my reality and it stunk, stunk bad.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? It's best not to think ahead. "Take it one day at a time, Debbi," I quietly tell myself. Looking ahead is too scary. I trust in God. I do. That's not even a question. The question is, "am I strong enough to face what's coming?" I wish I knew. I know that God is. That should be enough. It's him I trust, not me.

But today, the coffee tasted so good. And I was able to sit at the edge of the bed, my body straighter than the day before. I ate almost every bite of my breakfast, enjoying every moment of it. And I actually talked about going outside Friday, even if my stomach turned at the thought. Still it feels good to begin to think of things outside of these four walls.

Visualization

He came a little over two weeks ago, invited in moments of quiet desperation, a psychical therapist with a melt-me-away french accent, who was intended to show me how to get myself up out of my wheelchair, recliner and bed. After weeks of, slowly but surely, climbing out of the haze clouding my mind and the weakness permeating my muscles, I was suddenly losing the battle.

I could no longer remember days, let alone minutes or hours, each day was spent with eyes mostly closed, body barely moving, mind closed, thoughts too muddled to make sense of much of anything at all. Things were inexplicably taking a turn for the worse.

I had no strength, no hope, barely any faith. I had not given up on God, but I could feel myself giving up on myself. I began to talk about moving to long term care as my family hopelessly looked on willing me not to give up, afraid that such a move would mean all was lost.

Thankfully, I have such a family to pull me up, refusing to let me give up so easily, just as I had been so unwilling to give up just weeks before.

Now, I can see myself fighting the fight. I can visualize myself walking to the bathroom, to the dresser on the other side of my bedroom. Its not quite time yet, but I will get there. I've begun to put little goals out there and taking the steps I need to make these goals a reality.