Monday, August 18, 2014

These Four Walls

It's been a long time long in fact, I had begun to give up. Not to sound melodramatic, but that was my reality and it stunk, stunk bad.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? It's best not to think ahead. "Take it one day at a time, Debbi," I quietly tell myself. Looking ahead is too scary. I trust in God. I do. That's not even a question. The question is, "am I strong enough to face what's coming?" I wish I knew. I know that God is. That should be enough. It's him I trust, not me.

But today, the coffee tasted so good. And I was able to sit at the edge of the bed, my body straighter than the day before. I ate almost every bite of my breakfast, enjoying every moment of it. And I actually talked about going outside Friday, even if my stomach turned at the thought. Still it feels good to begin to think of things outside of these four walls.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


He came a little over two weeks ago, invited in moments of quiet desperation, a psychical therapist with a melt-me-away french accent, who was intended to show me how to get myself up out of my wheelchair, recliner and bed. After weeks of, slowly but surely, climbing out of the haze clouding my mind and the weakness permeating my muscles, I was suddenly losing the battle.

I could no longer remember days, let alone minutes or hours, each day was spent with eyes mostly closed, body barely moving, mind closed, thoughts too muddled to make sense of much of anything at all. Things were inexplicably taking a turn for the worse.

I had no strength, no hope, barely any faith. I had not given up on God, but I could feel myself giving up on myself. I began to talk about moving to long term care as my family hopelessly looked on willing me not to give up, afraid that such a move would mean all was lost.

Thankfully, I have such a family to pull me up, refusing to let me give up so easily, just as I had been so unwilling to give up just weeks before.

Now, I can see myself fighting the fight. I can visualize myself walking to the bathroom, to the dresser on the other side of my bedroom. Its not quite time yet, but I will get there. I've begun to put little goals out there and taking the steps I need to make these goals a reality.