Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weary, But Not Exhausted

It's the end of a long day, I'm weary, but not exhausted. There is a part of me that is at peace knowing that tomorrow, I see another specialist which comes as a surprise to me. Not that I'm seeing another specialist, but that I'm at peace with it, hopeful, in fact, that it's the beginning of some relief from the constant pain and struggle to walk.

A week ago, I felt exhausted and, honestly, the thought of talking to my oncologist about the sudden disintegration my ability to move around was too much to bear. The last thing I wanted was to spend more time at the medical center, reciting my woes, being poked and prodded, especially since much of medical diagnosis is based on guess work and ruling out things. I was talking to a friend of mine who is going through pain of her own caused by spinal stenosis. After much research, she went to see a doctor who claims to have a good recovery rate. Out of pocket it would cost over $5,000. There is no doubt she is worth the money, but the problem isn't whether she's worth it, the problem is there is no guarantee in the results.

Which is why I'm surprised that I was relieved that I was able to get an appointment so early. But I go into the appointment believing, not in the doctors, but in God, whom I trust above all. He can give the doctor a clear direction, the right diagnosis, the perfect treatment.

While today wasn't perfect, it was good. It started the moment I got up and saw a note that Brie had written to me the night before. It was simple, it was sweet and included two hearts. It was what I needed.

I drove into the office, my walker neatly leaning on the back seat, my mind waffling back and forth about whether I would use it. I knew I should use it, but my pride was ready to get the best of me, except for the fact that I had to park a little further out than I normally do. That was my sign to pull out the walker as I got out of the car. I prayed that I wouldn't see anyone on my way in, but as I approached the building, I run into a co-worker. Instead of being appalled and embarrassed, I was strangely comforted. My comfort grew as we walked together into the building and got into the elevator.

As the elevator made its way up the building, I told her that she was my godsend, her presence was exactly what I needed. I had to fight back the tears and her words of encouragement made it easier to step into the office, pushing my walker in front of me.

The day wore on. I was busy throughout. Not a crazy, mind numbing busy, but a constant busy, one thing coming after another in perfect succession. My chair was so uncomfortable and just when I thought I couldn't sit in it one moment longer, I would forget about the pain and time continued to pass until 4pm came and I could get up and leave, thankful for the walker which made it easy to get to my car.

In between that time, my Sunny Boy called which always put a smile on my face and then I got a call from his little mini me, telling me that they were coming to visit tomorrow.

Yes, I am weary, but I'm not exhausted. Yes, I am weary, but I have hope. again. and it feels so good.

I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word. Psalm 130:5

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Hurt and the Healer

There is a song by Mercy Me called The Hurt and the Healer. The lyrics resonate so deeply within me right now. I've been listening to it over and over again and each time, there is a different part of the song that speaks to me.

It stared with these words

Sometimes I feel that all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on you 
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am 
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide

I've had this song on my playlist for years now and it's as though I'm hearing it for the first time, starting on Thursday sometime after my chemo. I was in such a low place, one the lowest I've had in a while. Since last Saturday, I've been fighting back tears constantly in part due to pain, in part due to fear, in part due to hopelessness. I've been flailing about by the wind. When I heard this song, I was brought to sobs, each word so graphically describing how I felt.

Even though the song brings me to my knees metaphorically, it has also given me the hope that I had lost. I am alive. And even with the pain, there is hope.

Yesterday it was easier to be positive. My pain was minimal, walking was easier and even though I was sure it was the residual effect of the Decadron I was given on Thursday for the chemo, it didn't matter. It was a good day and I needed it. Brie was leaving for a trip and asked me to come up to her room as she finished her packing. It felt so good to spend time with her laughing and talking like normal. Yes, he took my heart and breathed it back to life.

This morning, I took things easy and then seized what was left of the moment and went out armed with my camera, notebook and iPad. I could feel the strength slowly dissipating from my body, but I didn't care. Yes, I wanted so badly for it to stay, but I was grateful for the reprieve.

Now that the pain has returned, I pray that the hope stays. Even as I am weak, I feel His strength. He takes hold and pulls me through. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Things I Wish I Could Do

Things I wish I could do right now…

  1. Clean up my room
  2. Find my comfy sweat pants
  3. Bake some chocolate chip cookies…or at least make some cookie dough
  4. Find my Rebel battery charger
  5. Go to the beach and take pictures of the storm
  6. Work on a scrapbook 
  7. Go get a Mayan Mocha
  8. Walk without pain
The truth is, I supposed I could do the first seven of the list above, but that rotten number eight is becoming the bane to my existence so I'm going to needy to find things I can do even in this condition…

  1. Write
  2. Pray
  3. Find at least a dozen things to be thankful for
  4. Finish my taxes
  5. Create a photo book
  6. Call someone I love
  7. Read a good book
  8. Stop feeling sorry for myself
Need to get to it.