Monday, September 1, 2014

September 01, 2014

The truth is, I gave up on myself and as much as I hate to admit it, if I gave up on myself, that means I gave up on God. If He is able to do all immeasurable things then why did I cave like a blob of ice cream that landed on the sidewalk on a hot summer's day?

If it wasn't that August was a long month, I would have missed it all. As it was, I slept through most of it, unwilling to raise myself from the self-induced coma which put me in a vegetative state for more than 80% of the day for most of the month.

There are days and conversations that I flat out don't remember. This I do...

  1. I begged to be taken to respite care
  2. I considered and actually asked to have a catheter put on me so I wouldn't have to get up
  3. Thousands of prayers being said in my name and even in my pity-party state, feeling them circle around me, protecting me from my doubts and fears
  4. The gradual awakening of my soul until I could begin to visualize myself walking out of this room
  5. Friends and family who continued to visit even though I would fall asleep throughout their visit
  6. The kind and thoughtful stream of visitors who brought food, ice cream, pie and other treats that provided add incentive to pull my bottom out from this bed its been glued to for too many days on end
  7. My mom and dad, while lovingly supportive, who also knew when to push me to push myself
  8. Care team members who took time out of their day to pray and encourage me. There were times, I wanted to tell mom I wasn't up for company, but I needed each and every groan uttered in my name
August has ended and a new month has begun. I plan to take it not only one day at a time, but more like, one hour at a time. I won't pretend to know how the start compares to the end, but this I know, 
God has not, will not forsake me. He is where He has always and will always be...right beside and right behind me. He will give me strength when I am weak, I need not be afraid. No matter what, these are the truths that I carry with me. He loves me that much. He loves YOU that much. No matter our trials, they are of equal sorrow, equal need, equal importance. 

He may not answer our requests as we want him to, but when he does (and HE always answers) we will find his response(s) even more powerful, magnificent, fulfilling than we thought possible. Knowing God and reading His word, why was there any doubt at all? 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭10‬ NLT)

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