Monday, December 1, 2014

Is it Just a Dream?

For the past few weeks I've been living in a fog. It's as if I'm in a dream. I keep waiting for the dream to end.  The whole experience is disturbing. The last few days I've been using the oxygen that Hospice has given to me and it seems to make a difference. As I sit here typing, while I don't feel 100%, I don't feel the need to runaway the way I used to.

Here are my fears. I hate to list them and give them credit, but then I think that by listing them, they lose their stronghold over me. That's ultimately what I want. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.  Conversations don't seem real so I'm constantly asking everyone if they are really there and are we really conversing.

This is especially true when the communication is occurring via telephone or text message. For example, yesterday Uncle Frank called. I felt so badly for him. He was sobbing and sobbing as he asked for prayer for Blake, Becky and Jadon. After the call ended, I sat there questioning whether the conversation was real. It didn't seem like it, but I know deep inside it was.

I guess that's it. The bottom line is this. Even though I question all of this, the bottom line is I know it's real. Perhaps the point is, I wish it wasn't...wasn't real. Because that would hopefully mean I'm not stuck here in bed talking to myself, experiencing shortness of breath, and all the, excuse my language, crap that comes with it. It wouldn't be so bad if I could write, create art and take photographs when I'm in this state, but I can't.

Bottom line is photos today :(

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