Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weary, But Not Exhausted

It's the end of a long day, I'm weary, but not exhausted. There is a part of me that is at peace knowing that tomorrow, I see another specialist which comes as a surprise to me. Not that I'm seeing another specialist, but that I'm at peace with it, hopeful, in fact, that it's the beginning of some relief from the constant pain and struggle to walk.

A week ago, I felt exhausted and, honestly, the thought of talking to my oncologist about the sudden disintegration my ability to move around was too much to bear. The last thing I wanted was to spend more time at the medical center, reciting my woes, being poked and prodded, especially since much of medical diagnosis is based on guess work and ruling out things. I was talking to a friend of mine who is going through pain of her own caused by spinal stenosis. After much research, she went to see a doctor who claims to have a good recovery rate. Out of pocket it would cost over $5,000. There is no doubt she is worth the money, but the problem isn't whether she's worth it, the problem is there is no guarantee in the results.

Which is why I'm surprised that I was relieved that I was able to get an appointment so early. But I go into the appointment believing, not in the doctors, but in God, whom I trust above all. He can give the doctor a clear direction, the right diagnosis, the perfect treatment.

While today wasn't perfect, it was good. It started the moment I got up and saw a note that Brie had written to me the night before. It was simple, it was sweet and included two hearts. It was what I needed.

I drove into the office, my walker neatly leaning on the back seat, my mind waffling back and forth about whether I would use it. I knew I should use it, but my pride was ready to get the best of me, except for the fact that I had to park a little further out than I normally do. That was my sign to pull out the walker as I got out of the car. I prayed that I wouldn't see anyone on my way in, but as I approached the building, I run into a co-worker. Instead of being appalled and embarrassed, I was strangely comforted. My comfort grew as we walked together into the building and got into the elevator.

As the elevator made its way up the building, I told her that she was my godsend, her presence was exactly what I needed. I had to fight back the tears and her words of encouragement made it easier to step into the office, pushing my walker in front of me.

The day wore on. I was busy throughout. Not a crazy, mind numbing busy, but a constant busy, one thing coming after another in perfect succession. My chair was so uncomfortable and just when I thought I couldn't sit in it one moment longer, I would forget about the pain and time continued to pass until 4pm came and I could get up and leave, thankful for the walker which made it easy to get to my car.

In between that time, my Sunny Boy called which always put a smile on my face and then I got a call from his little mini me, telling me that they were coming to visit tomorrow.

Yes, I am weary, but I'm not exhausted. Yes, I am weary, but I have hope. again. and it feels so good.

I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word. Psalm 130:5

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