There is a song by Mercy Me called The Hurt and the Healer. The lyrics resonate so deeply within me right now. I've been listening to it over and over again and each time, there is a different part of the song that speaks to me.
It stared with these words
Sometimes I feel that all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on you
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
I've had this song on my playlist for years now and it's as though I'm hearing it for the first time, starting on Thursday sometime after my chemo. I was in such a low place, one the lowest I've had in a while. Since last Saturday, I've been fighting back tears constantly in part due to pain, in part due to fear, in part due to hopelessness. I've been flailing about by the wind. When I heard this song, I was brought to sobs, each word so graphically describing how I felt.
Even though the song brings me to my knees metaphorically, it has also given me the hope that I had lost. I am alive. And even with the pain, there is hope.
Yesterday it was easier to be positive. My pain was minimal, walking was easier and even though I was sure it was the residual effect of the Decadron I was given on Thursday for the chemo, it didn't matter. It was a good day and I needed it. Brie was leaving for a trip and asked me to come up to her room as she finished her packing. It felt so good to spend time with her laughing and talking like normal. Yes, he took my heart and breathed it back to life.
This morning, I took things easy and then seized what was left of the moment and went out armed with my camera, notebook and iPad. I could feel the strength slowly dissipating from my body, but I didn't care. Yes, I wanted so badly for it to stay, but I was grateful for the reprieve.
Now that the pain has returned, I pray that the hope stays. Even as I am weak, I feel His strength. He takes hold and pulls me through.