A week and a half ago I ordered eight pairs of shoes. Yes, eight. It seemed such an extravagant thing to do considering the amount of walking I'm actually doing. But I needed to face reality and I only had four pair that I was able to wear. Two of them sandals which I haven't worn a lot lately, one pair of dirty tennis shoes and one pair of black flats. New shoes would help me not feel so shabby or so I hoped.
Seven of the eight pair were delivered yesterday which was ironic because I was at a low for most of the day. The delivery did nothing to pick me up. It was rather like a slap in the face. Why bother to open up the boxes? What was the point? All night long, the boxes sat untouched, like an unwelcome visitor.
Mom talked me into opening one of the the boxes this morning. I still didn't have the desire to look open the box, but I didn't want to make her feel bad. Inside was a cute pair of clean blue tennis looking just like the picture I saw on-line. I could wear them tomorrow, she said cheerfully, for chemo. I nodded in agreement.
After Brie got up, I asked her to open the rest of the boxes for me. One after another, cute shoes came out of hiding. And then my tears began again. The night before I had slept poorly again, the pain in my legs crying worse than a newborn baby. What was the point? Why did I go and buy so many stupid pairs of shoes?
Is this really my life?
The answer was so clear. Yes, Debra, it is!
So what are you going to do with it?
After lunch, I cried some more, calling out to God, my healer. I know he has the power. I know. I know without a doubt he can heal. I know without a doubt he can heal me. Please do it Lord, please. At least let me walk again without pain. At least let me sleep tonight without pain. I have given up so much. I held nothing back from my prayers, Why should I? He knows me like no other so no point in pretending.
And then I slept for thirty minutes. Since that time, the ache has subsided. The ache in my leg and the ache in my heart.
Things for which I am thankful for
1. A God who listens to my cries and comforts me
2. Friends and family who care for me and about me
3. A delicious meal my mom so lovingly prepared the night before
4. Brie for helping me so much this morning
5. A medication to help with the nerve damage that seems to be working (thanks be to God!)
6. A day of work
7. New shoes...eight pairs of them