Self Portrait Project Week Two

Last year, I got sucked into several photo challenges. Problem was I had difficulty keeping track and keeping up. At first it was a fun way to drive others to my blog, but ultimately instead of spurring my creativity, it hampered it. 

This year, I plan to have my own 365 project and my own 52 week self portrait project. I had intended in participating in the Now You as a way to network with other photographers, but I procrastinated too long and missed the cut off date. While there is a part of me that's disappointed, there is another part of me that feels free from the need to perform. 

Last night as I relaxed in bed, I took a few self portraits, one of which I feel satisfied enough to be brave enough to post the result. When I look at it, I feel my skin looks thin and stretched out, but it is what it is. It's strange how the camera picks up a reflection of someone I don't know, don't feel. 

Yet there is no denying that over the past four months, I feel I've aged 40 years. Though I don't want to admit it, this is probably the person others see when they look at me. 

Film is Not Dead

Growing up, I never had a decent camera. At an early age, I coveted them. In fifth grade, our church was giving a Brownie camera to the church member who brought the most visitors. I tried as hard as I could to get friends to come so I could win that camera. It never happened.

Finally, in high school, I got a 110 camera which was all the rage, but the quality of prints was subpar. Looking at the size of the negatives, there is no surprise. Try as I might, the photos produced just never came out anything like I had envisioned.

In my early 20's, autofocus, auto-everything 35mm cameras were reasonably priced and gave reasonable results. Drop a canister of film into the camera and snap away. Unless you were a complete idiot, you could be guaranteed at least 18 decent exposures out of a roll of 24. Still there was something missing every time I developed a roll of film.

It wasn't until I got my DSLR that I realized what it was. Learning about apertures, shutter speeds, ISOs, exposures and lights has just made me love photography even more. I forgot all about film until recently. I feel nostalgic for the graininess and the imperfections. I want to see what I can get from film now that I can apply composition and light to the click of the button.

I started with the Instamatic Fujifilm camera the kids got me for my birthday.

Then I made another commitment by investing in SX-70 Land camera.

And in a wave of nostalgia, I bought some 620 film for my dad's old Argus.

Film is not dead, but it's not cheap either.

Can't wait to see the results.

My Little Family

They are worth every second of the drive to the desert.

Every cent of gas.

I am so blessed by my little family in the desert.

Embrace Life

My Uncle Mike passed away on the 24th of December. At 92-years, he lived a long life and was married to my Aunt Dora for 69-years. To the end, they remained faithful and dedicated to one another.

As we drove to the funeral, my Aunt Sally was bemoaning the fact that she was getting dangerously close to 80-years and not liking the surprise she felt every time she looked in the mirror. While I can empathize, I used my One Word on her and suggested that she embrace life, embrace 80-years.

Later at the funeral service, my cousin read a note that was found in her dad's office. In it, he wrote how blessed he was to be alive, to live his life, and in it, you could feel him embrace all the gifts he had been given. He was 85-years old at the time he wrote the note.

The note was so inspiring. How often do we complain, wasting time and energy when we can embrace the positives? At 85-years, my uncle was still living life, not worried about how he looked or if he was still relevant. He was relevant because he had a family that he loved, he was relevant because he chose to continue to go out and do things, he was relevant because he was giving. Those attributes were apparent from all that was shared by his daughters and grandchildren.

He will be missed.

And So It Begins Again

My first day back in the infusion center for a new round of chemo. What I remember about the first time...

1. Being so frightening and hating every moment of the whole experience
2. Feeling like I had to be strong so mom would know that I was okay
3. Realizing that it's the nurses who really know the score and it helps to have them as a friend (after all they're the ones with the needles)
4. Fearing the uncertainty, would I get sick, when would I lose my hair, was this going to be worth it

I went home and cried, feeling depressed for the whole week. I did not want to go back and it wasn't until I realized that I didn't have to go back if I really didn't want, that I began to feel better. I was in more control than I thought I was. I came to realize that it's one of the things I hate the most about the whole ordeal, feeling the loss of control.

This time around, I didn't have that deer in the headlights look. Even though I didn't know if I was going to have an adverse reaction, the fear was gone. Yes, I may feel fatigue, but if I'm lucky I'll be able to embrace the life I have and live it with hope, love and joy. That's what I plan to do. 

The chemo had a strange sensation as it flowed into my veins. The nurse had warned me that Gemzar could burn and that we may need to slow the drip down and pump more saline into me at the same time. At first everything was okay, but after about 10 minutes, I ended up asking her to slow the drip down. While it was never painful, it was just an unpleasant feeling. 

I'm so thankful that I had the presence of mind to ask my doctor about getting a port. It's getting harder and harder for the nurses to find a good vein and with chemo it's imperative that there is a good stick so the chemical doesn't leak out. 

I find it interesting to watch other patients at the infusion center. Some come alone like me, some have a relative or friend at their side, some are obviously tired and weak, some seem to have more energy, some have that deer in the headlight look (newbies), some obviously know the drill. Most are positive, most have hope and I see a lot of beauty in them. I often silently pray for the ones in my proximity as I know that prayer helps so much. I wish I could take more pictures there, but I don't want to intrude or make others feel uncomfortable.

Afterwards, Brie and I went to Starbucks and came home to start putting Christmas away. There is a part of me sad to see it go and another part happy to leave the clutter. 

Wind in my Sail

For the second day in a row, I felt energetic enough to go out with my camera in hand and enjoy the fresh air. With my camera, I am excited again.

I forgot how inspired I feel as I look for the things that are both obvious and that others miss.

I felt bold as I took pictures of the outside looking in, not worried what the ones sitting at the tables might think.

I welcomed the sun as my partner in crime. It did not disappoint.

I watched people enjoying life as I enjoyed it too.

And I found that I didn't even have to stray that far from home to experience beauty in unexpected places.

Tomorrow I begin chemo again, but that didn't stop me from enjoying today.

What Will Be

Almost four years ago, a new journey began for me. Sufficed to say, it's not a trip I would have chosen to take. But like everything in life, good comes with the bad and, thankfully, there have been a lot of blessings.

After over 6-months of chemo, I was given a reprieve in December 2009 and was told that it was likely that I would be able to be off the poison for up to a year. It's been three years and this Thursday, I begin a new regiment of chemo. This time around, I asked for a port so I won't need to be stuck with a needle 6 times a month.

To say that it's not the way I wanted to start the year is an understatement. I've not really been looking forward to 2013 as I have no idea what it may bring. Truth is, I really don't want to think ahead. Still, it helps to make plans for the future.

Things I want to do:
1. Select my one word that will be my word for the year. It was a difficult selection. Joy, love, hope, faith, journey, persevere, fight, act, serve and believe were in the running, but none of these truly struck a chord in me. As I was driving to Greg's today, embrace seemed to embody all that I want 2013 to be.
2. Participate in 365 where I purposefully take at lease one photo a day representing something special in the day.
3. Participate in 52 weeks of me in which I take a self-portrait.
4. Buy a polaroid. Learn to use it
5. Buy 620 film and shoot with my dad's old Argus 75.
6. Write, every day. Write with purpose and meaning. Write a book.
7. Travel. Drive up North for a week and if possible, across the country.

Those are just a few of the things I want to do this year. The good news is that I'm back to feeling like making plans, like doing things which is part of the reason I selected embrace as my word for the year. I want to embrace my loved ones, embrace life, embrace the things that I feel passionate about, embrace things that come my way, even if they are unexpected, embrace the purpose that God has determined my life to be.

It was easy to do today, surrounded by family and friends, armed with my camera, filled with the Spirit of the Lord. It was a good day, a start of a good year. Unexpected, but good. I am so blessed, so very blessed. I pray that this will be a good year from start to finish. I pray that I get to finish it and celebrate another Christmas and another New Year.