The week started off with some bumps. There were a few pity parties, tears and a testing of the faith that has held me together until now. Today at chemo, I was talking to Cindy, one of the nurses I've come to know on a first name basis and we were lamented on how Christmas is just a week away.
Then I realized it was less than a week away. It didn't even bother me. And when the unpleasant residue of chemo rose up within my body in the early evening, I pushed it back, reminding myself that tomorrow this will pass. Just to prove it was true, I got myself off my recliner shortly after 6pm as planned and prepared a batch of candy cane cookie dough.
It hurts to walk and there are times that I worry that the pain on my left leg is a precursor to paralysis and at the beginning of the week it was hard to let it go, something I'm usually able to do. Worry is not my middle name. Worry doesn't change things. Prayer does. But I can't deny that there are times when worry doesn't creep in, like an unwanted visitor who outstays his welcome.
Because it hurts to walk, it's easy to stay in my recliner for too long which isn't any good for me either. So after two days of worry, I decided that no matter how much it hurts, I needed to get myself off my bottom and do something with myself. Yesterday, I bought a gift, crossed a name off my list, wrapped four presents and wrote two Christmas Cards. It felt so good.
I also found that going into prayer when the pity party starts has helped a lot, that and being honest and sharing my fears with people I trust. It's hard for me to do because I don't want to worry family and friends. I believe that the enemy would have me spend almost all my waking hours in my recliner. It would be easy to do because I'm pretty comfortable in it, but it's not where I'm meant to be. Prayer has helped a lot. It helps me depend on God and gets me back on track.
Today I realized, I've found my joy again. I'm laughing and talking with Mom and Brie more. I'm smiling at strangers and finding patience at the stores where we all know we need it at this time of year.
And I'm making cookies.