What Will Be

Almost four years ago, a new journey began for me. Sufficed to say, it's not a trip I would have chosen to take. But like everything in life, good comes with the bad and, thankfully, there have been a lot of blessings.

After over 6-months of chemo, I was given a reprieve in December 2009 and was told that it was likely that I would be able to be off the poison for up to a year. It's been three years and this Thursday, I begin a new regiment of chemo. This time around, I asked for a port so I won't need to be stuck with a needle 6 times a month.

To say that it's not the way I wanted to start the year is an understatement. I've not really been looking forward to 2013 as I have no idea what it may bring. Truth is, I really don't want to think ahead. Still, it helps to make plans for the future.

Things I want to do:
1. Select my one word that will be my word for the year. It was a difficult selection. Joy, love, hope, faith, journey, persevere, fight, act, serve and believe were in the running, but none of these truly struck a chord in me. As I was driving to Greg's today, embrace seemed to embody all that I want 2013 to be.
2. Participate in 365 where I purposefully take at lease one photo a day representing something special in the day.
3. Participate in 52 weeks of me in which I take a self-portrait.
4. Buy a polaroid. Learn to use it
5. Buy 620 film and shoot with my dad's old Argus 75.
6. Write, every day. Write with purpose and meaning. Write a book.
7. Travel. Drive up North for a week and if possible, across the country.

Those are just a few of the things I want to do this year. The good news is that I'm back to feeling like making plans, like doing things which is part of the reason I selected embrace as my word for the year. I want to embrace my loved ones, embrace life, embrace the things that I feel passionate about, embrace things that come my way, even if they are unexpected, embrace the purpose that God has determined my life to be.

It was easy to do today, surrounded by family and friends, armed with my camera, filled with the Spirit of the Lord. It was a good day, a start of a good year. Unexpected, but good. I am so blessed, so very blessed. I pray that this will be a good year from start to finish. I pray that I get to finish it and celebrate another Christmas and another New Year.

What Happened to Christmas

I started the month planning to blog every day. Instead, I worked like Santa's elf, trying desperately to finish Aurora's stocking by Christmas Eve.

Somehow I managed to finish both my Christmas shopping and Aurora's stocking just in the nick of time.

It did mean giving up certain things that were on my list of to-dos this season, such as taking pictures of a Christmas Tree Farm, driving around looking at lights, heading out one more time to the Grove for some Christmas ambience. I'll survive. And there is always the possibility of doing a few of those things this week.

On the last week before Christmas I realized I had hadn't crossed off as many loved ones from my "nice" list as I thought. Knowing my limitations, I decided to hit the stores each night and get one person taken care of at a time. On the plus side, I got to enjoy some of the Christmas lights that I might have otherwise missed.

We did manage to make it to my brother's annual Christmas party. And to Old Orange on the Sunday before Christmas.

It wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas Eve Service where candles are lit and Silent Night is sung right before midnight.

And as we walk outside to greet Christmas morning, "snow" falls in Southern California.

It is always my most favorite part of Christmas.

After a short winter's nap, the morning begins with another favorite part of Christmas...digging into our stockings.

Then into the living room to open presents.

It's enough to make anyone feel like a child.

If that doesn't do it, playing a game of Hungry Hippos will do the trick.

The only thing that would have made the day better would have been having Matthew, Ashley, Maximus and Aurora there to share the memories.

The Tenth

December 10 marks for me that point in the month where I desperately want things to slow down. There are only 15 more days of celebration, of Christmas music, of tidings of joy, of red and green trim in the stores.

Today was no different. As the day wound down, I felt that I should go somewhere, do something in celebration. But there is a house to straighten up and a stocking to be finished. I told myself that tomorrow I'll do something. Maybe I'll stop to see some lights, have a cup of Starbucks as Christmas music fills the coffee shop, maybe I'll make some Christmas cookies, maybe I'll head to the North Pole.

Maybe I'll head to someplace Christmasy, like the Grove and wander around, breathing in the cool air, taking pictures of the light.

The Stockings Were Hung

One of my favorite memories of Christmas as a child was waking up on Christmas morning and seeing our stockings filled with goodies. Coloring books, crayons and Christmas candy was enough to make a little girl's heart jump for joy.

After we moved to Puerto Rico, the tradition of stockings ended for our family. I was never sure why. Probably that first year was too overwhelming for my mom and dad and there were no chimney's to be had in Puerto Rico so there was no place to hang stockings.

Still my heart longed for the magic. One reason why the stockings were so special to me was that our presents from Santa always arrived early. Several times we would ask why our gifts didn't come on Christmas Eve and we were told that Santa had too many presents to deliver all in one night.

On one hand, it was fun to see the gifts suddenly appear and to have days dreaming and wondering about what was inside, but on the other hand unless there was a big special gift, such as a bike, there was a little bit of magic missing. The filled stockings made it apparent that Santa came to our house on Christmas Eve, just like all the others.

When Matthew was born, I was determined that he would experience that magic so I made him a stock, cross-stitching it carefully. I did the same for Brie after she was born too. They seemed to love the filled stockings just as much as I did. They still do.

The number of stockings by our fireplace grew after Vic came home one Christmas and put a ratty sock of his up after we got back from Christmas Eve service. The next year, mom bought him a real stocking of his own. Not to be outdone, the following year, I got mom a stocking, putting it out on Christmas Eve filled with little items such as post-it notes, pens and DVDs. She excitedly exclaimed that it was the first stocking she ever had. The next year, there was a stocking for me. When Ashley joined our family, we added another one for her.

Much to my delight, after Maximus was born, I mentioned something about making him a stocking and Matthew happily said that he was wondering if I was going to make him one. I must confess, I forgot how much work they were and didn't finish Max's until two days AFTER Christmas. With Aurora's arrival, I've been busy working on hers. The kids keep asking me if I'm going to be finished in time. Oh, yes, I will.

It looks like we're going to need a bigger mantle...or smaller stockings.

On the Fifth Day

One of the reasons I love December so much is that this is my birthday month. When I was little I used to wish that I had been born on Christmas Day. Why not? Celebrate my birthday along with Jesus AND get twice as many birthday presents. As I grew older, I was surprised to learn that most people who have a birthday on Christmas feel short-changed, as a matter of fact, most people who have their birthday in December feel short-changed.

I was never made to feel that way. Even though my brother, Greg's, birthday was just days away from mine, we were never given combination celebrations or given the birthday/Christmas present present. My day was always special...well except for college when my birthday always fell on finals week so I had to wait to celebrate with friends until the last final was in the books.

But, otherwise, I loved that my birthday was mixed with the festivities of Christmas. Added to that is the fact that December in California is generally a very beautiful month. The morning air is cool and crisp, the skies are usually blue. If the rain comes, it's usually for a day or two, making for beautiful blue skies afterwards.

For me, this is a special birthday. After all the struggles of the past few months, I'm especially happy to celebrate this birthday. Sure I had to work, but I was able to work from home. Most importantly, I'm able to enjoy life again.

At lunchtime, I found myself at the DMV, having received a renewal notice in the mail in early October advising me that I needed to renew my license in person because they wanted an updated photo and my thumbprint. At the time I received the notice and for days after, I was in no condition to even think about the process so I postponed making my appointment. Suddenly it was now or never. The thought did cross my mind to just go another day, but I was afraid that going late would require me to take a written test, which I did not want to study for.

So there I stood in the long line of idiots who didn't make an appointment, hoping for the best. Thankfully, the wait time wasn't long and I was back home, at work in less than an hour and a half.  While I was there, I snapped this photo. Would have taken more, but I forgot my phone wasn't on silent and when camera snapped, the man sitting on the chair closest to me, quickly looked up and kept looking in my direction. My number was called while I was waiting for him to calm down so that was that.

After work, Brie and I went to get our nails done. I opted for a snowflake look which I was so happy with.

In between it all I felt so blessed with text messages, Facebook posts, phone calls and Instagram messages from family and friends who sent their love and well wishes. I was especially touched to have so many of Brie's friends sending me love.

After a lovely dinner with mom, Brie and I headed off to the store to shop for a special friend who has a birthday tomorrow. When we got back home, Brie and I went to the mirror to confirm what I had suspected...over the last few months, I've shrunk about three inches.

I am now officially, a little old lady :)

Happy birthday to me!

The Third

It's December third. The interior of the house is decorated, the tree is up and the first batch of Christmas cookies have been baked. This is the time when I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. I've been slowly chipping away at my nice list, but haven't wrapped a single gift.

It's now when I want time to both pass so we can get to Christmas eve service and slow down so I can make the magic last. The reality is, it doesn't matter what I want, time keeps passing. The day is over and I take stock at what I've done and in many ways it wasn't enough. I know once again, I came up short.

Today the Christmas devotional that I was reading referenced Luke 1:13-18 where Gabriel appears before Zechariah and tells him that God heard the prayers of Zechariah and his wife, Elizabeth and that they would be blessed with a son. For years, Zechariah and his wife prayed, asking for a child and now the answer was yes.

Zechariah responds by questioning whether this could be true. Isn't that like us? We pray asking God for favor. And yet when he answers, we don't believe. It's a little crazy when you think about it. We can pray for years for a miracle. Why? Because we know that God has the power to make it so. We have faith and hope, but even after we experience other miracles and other evidence of God's power, we still doubt.

I believe. I believe that a Savior was born. I believe he was the Lamb of God, our mighty counselor. I believe he died and rose again. I believe he died for me and for you, whoever may be reading this. I believe he cares for each one of us.

I believe that God has the power to heal my mouth sores and make it so that they don't come back again. I believe God can heal me completely. I believe that tomorrow, I can get up out of bed, my back straight and strong. I ask this of him every day. Why? Because I know that one day, my angel may appear to me and tell me that God has heard my prayers. And when that happens, I pray that I simply fall upon my knees, praising God.

O Come All Ye Faithful

As a Christian, it is difficult for me to comprehend how anyone could celebrate Christmas without being a believer in Christ. It may be wrong, but I've not had an issue with the whole Santa thing. I have had an issue with the whole "holiday" thing. 

I understand that there are those who sadly don't believe in God or in Jesus as the son of God so it would be much to expect them to understand. Church this time of year because even more special. Singing Christmas songs with the rest of the congregation, lighting advent candles, anticipating the arrival of a baby boy who would become our salvation is what makes Christmas all that it is. 

It is important to me to find a gift that is worthy of God. Every year, I fall short of this goal. Here it is the night of the 2nd of December and I'm totally clueless as to what I can give as a gift. Yes, there are the feel good deeds, giving to the Salvation Army, selecting a name or two from the Christmas Tree, serving a meal at the homeless shelter, but it just doesn't seem enough. 

This year, I want to be like the magi, relentless in my search for God. Giving everything I have to find Jesus and bringing the best of what I have as a gift. I have 22 more days to figure out what that is. I have a star to follow and a gift to give. And while I celebrate Christmas, I don't want lose sight of that.