The Me I See

I try not to dwell on the negative. Note: the words "try" and "negative". The truth is, I'm human. I'm not perfect and there are times when I just don't want to do this. But, it is what it is, and if that's what I focus on then I'm doomed.

So I choose to pick myself up by thinking about the positive, being thankful for the little things. Yes, I limp, but I can walk. No I can't carry my grandchildren, but I'm able to kiss and hold them. Yes, there are times when moving around hurts, but when I'm sitting I'm usually comfortable. Which often allows me to feel like things are normal. As I type this, I feel normal which means, I'm often taken aback by the person I see in mirrors, shadows or anything that reflects my image.

Hunched over, I've aged tremendously over the last three, four months and while there are times I feel every bit of that age, there are many times when I don't. Which is crazy when I think that I challenged myself of all years to do a self portrait each week. I see so many beautiful self-portraits of ordinary people and when I try to take them, I look angry, unhappy or mad which is not how I feel at all.

Towards, the end of last year, my bestie sent me a picture she took of me when we were at Siena last year. I was blown away for the me I see in her picture is the me I see when I think of myself. It's hard to imagine that this was taken just 7-months ago.

I am shy, but behind my camera, I become a bit more bold, minimal make-up, curly crazy hair. Not a spring chick, but youthful. This is the me I see. This is the me I want to be again. I may have to wait for a long, long time, but as long as I'm alive, this is the me I will believe I am.